Over My Dad Body

Parenting has its fair share of ups and downs, but co-parenting with a toxic or abusive ex can take its challenges to a whole new level.

I have personally dealt with harassment, court battles, emotional and mental abuse, and even parental alienation, things that can make co-parenting feel like a nightmare. But despite these struggles, I realized that there are ways to navigate the situation in a way that protects your mental well-being and, most importantly, creates a safe and stable environment for your child.

Why Making an Effort in Positive Co-parenting Matters

Many parents worry about how separation or divorce will affect their children, and that’s completely understandable. But when handled healthily, parting ways with your partner is far less damaging than staying in a toxic or unhealthy relationship.

When parents communicate and cooperate despite their differences, it helps children develop emotionally and socially. Kids who see their parents working together are likelier to build healthy relationships.

As challenging as it may be, finding ways to co-parent peacefully with a difficult ex benefits everyone involved. Whenever possible, productive co-parenting should be the goal, regardless of the child’s age.

A positive co-parenting approach can help a child:

• Find comfort and security. Conflict can be scary, particularly for younger kids, especially when it gets out of control. Remember that children feel much safer when they are not constantly exposed to their parents arguing.
• Feel truly loved and cared for. When parents work together to put their child’s needs first, they feel loved, valued, and supported.
• Learn how to handle conflicts with confidence. Conflict is a natural part of life. When children see their parents handle it well, they learn that conflict isn’t just okay but something they can work through and overcome.
• Manage emotions more effectively. Regardless of how parents navigate their separation, it’s bound to stir up challenging emotions for their child. However, when parents healthily manage their own feelings, they show their children how to do the same.
• Build strong, healthy relationships. Children learn by watching the people around them. When they see their parents working to build a healthy co-parenting relationship, it helps them develop strong, positive relationships of their own.

Can You Co-parent With a Toxic Ex?

Of course, we all want a peaceful environment for our children. However, keeping children out of the crossfire can be tough when one parent thrives on conflict. In these situations, co-parenting with a toxic ex often means shifting to parallel parenting—keeping interactions to a minimum and only communicating when necessary.

It might feel overwhelming at times, but there are ways to ease the stress of co-parenting or parallel parenting with a difficult ex. Be prepared for their manipulative behavior, immature actions, and even attempts to ignore court orders. It won’t always be easy, but staying strong and focused on creating a safe, stable space for your child makes all the difference.

Here are some of my tips for co-parenting with a toxic ex.

Make your child the priority.

I have to admit I have also struggled to follow the court order, but my advice is: stick to the parenting schedule—it’s there for your child’s well-being.

The schedule is not just a formality; it helps ensure your child maintains a healthy relationship with both parents. Even if it is difficult for you personally, allowing your child to spend time with your ex is crucial for their growth and development.

Shutting out a toxic co-parent might seem like the easier choice, but it can make your child feel rejected, too. After all, they are half of their other parent.

To keep conflicts to a minimum, make sure everything is clearly outlined in your court order and follow it closely. The less conflict in your co-parenting dynamic, the better it is for your child.

At the end of the day, co-parenting is about what’s best for your child. Keeping that as your focus can help you stay motivated and navigate the challenges that come with it.

Be prepared for unfair attacks. Do not engage.

False abuse reports. Baseless accusations. Rumors spread through their circle and maybe even yours. These attacks often come in the form of personal jabs: “He’s a bad father!” “He’s selfish!” “He’s insecure!” This is classic gaslighting, meant to make you question yourself and your actions.

Stand firm in your truth. You don’t owe your ex any explanation or justification for your choices. Do not let the fear of being labeled the “bad guy” influence your decisions.

Instead, ask yourself regularly: “If my ex weren’t in the picture, what would be the best way to handle this situation for myself and my child?” Almost every time, the answer will still be the right one regardless of their attempts to twist the narrative.

Your ex will compete with you. Do not engage.

If you haven’t realized it yet, the golden rule here is simple: Do. Not. Engage.

If you have the majority of time-sharing, chances are you’re also carrying most of the responsibilities—discipline, chores, schoolwork. It’s tough, and it can feel like the odds are stacked against you when it comes to being the “fun parent.”

But let that go. Allow your child to be excited about seeing their other parent. Encourage them, support their joy, and be genuinely happy for them. At the end of the day, that’s what truly matters—your child’s happiness.

Treat your ex the way you want your ex to treat you.

Believe me, it won’t always go perfectly, but it’s important to model the kind of co-parenting behavior you hope to see from your ex. Treat them with respect and civility, especially in front of your child. Speak about them kindly (or neutrally, at the very least) when your child is around.

Again, do your best to stick to the court order and try to keep your child out of conflicts as much as possible. Avoid speaking negatively about your ex directly to your child and publicly, especially on social media. If others start to badmouth your ex in front of your child, step in and redirect the conversation.

Of course, there will be times when your ex pushes your buttons. You’re human, and a toxic ex will often know exactly what gets under your skin. If you react in a way you regret, be kind to yourself. Do your best to handle the situation, and, if necessary, apologize to your child.

Remember, strong relationships are built through repair. Kids learn by watching how their parents handle challenges—not by seeing perfection, but by witnessing how mistakes are acknowledged and mended. It’s not the missteps that matter most; it’s how you fix them.

Set clear boundaries (and stick to them.)

Setting personal boundaries is essential, though it can be one of the toughest challenges when dealing with a toxic ex.

For instance, you might decide that your ex isn’t allowed inside your home and must wait outside when picking up or dropping off your child. Or you could set a rule that if they raise their voice, the conversation ends immediately.

Set your boundaries quietly and communicate them when the time is right. Avoid giving your ex any opportunity to engage in unnecessary conflict or manipulation.

Whatever boundaries you choose, be clear about them and stick to them consistently. Holding firm, even when it is difficult, helps protect your peace and sets the tone for healthier interactions.

Keep communication focused on parenting only.

Keep all communication with your ex strictly focused on co-parenting. Avoid discussing anything unrelated. This helps keep interactions clear, minimizes unnecessary contact, and reduces the chances of conflict.

When emotions run high, it is easy to fire off an angry text or snap back when your ex tries to provoke you. But when dealing with a toxic ex, it’s essential to give yourself time to let that initial surge of frustration pass before responding.

Always give yourself space to cool down. If you need to draft a message, write it out, but don’t enter their name in the “To” field until you’ve calmed down. That might take two hours or even a full day, depending on how you’re feeling.

If your ex asks a question during a drop-off, don’t feel pressured to answer right away. Instead, let them know you’ll respond after you’ve had time to think. Setting a boundary of 24 hours to respond to non-emergency messages is entirely reasonable. You are not obligated to reply instantly unless it’s an emergency involving your child.

Remember that you can’t control how your ex communicates but you can control how you respond. Give yourself the time and space you need to think clearly before engaging.

Secure a clear and detailed court order.

A vague court order—like one that simply grants “alternate weekends and holidays as agreed” won’t work in your favor if you are dealing with a toxic ex. You need a court order that clearly spells out every detail to avoid misunderstandings or loopholes that your ex could exploit.

Make sure your parenting plan is specific and thorough. It should cover exact times, days, holidays, who handles transportation, and where pick-ups and drop-offs will happen.

You can also request scheduled phone or video call access with your child while with the other parent. Consider every possible scenario where your ex might try to complicate things and ensure those situations are clearly addressed in the order.

If your ex violates any part of the agreement, don’t try to handle it alone. Reach out to your lawyer and document everything. A detailed court order is not just a guideline but protection for both you and your child.

Prioritize your own well-being.

Remember that you are your own person—someone who deserves happiness, fun, and joy. You are allowed to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to grow. You don’t need to be a perfect parent or a flawless person to be good enough.

Don’t let your ex define who you are or trap you in an outdated version of yourself from the past. You are allowed to change, and honestly, growth is the whole point.

You can’t fix your ex, so stop wasting energy trying. Instead, turn that focus inward. Prioritize your mental health, seek support or counseling if you need it, and practice real self-care (whatever that looks like for you.)

Make time for yourself and your child. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. Take the job, fall in love (again), write that article.

The truth is, nothing will bother your ex more than seeing you thrive and live life on your own terms. So be unapologetically yourself and do it with a smile.

Just Live Your Life

Co-parenting requires compromise, sacrifice, and patience—all driven by your love for your child. While relationships may come and go, the ones you maintain for your child’s sake deserve to be handled with care and intention.

At times, it might feel like you’re fighting a never-ending battle, especially with a toxic ex. However, some strategies can help ease some of the stress. Conflict may still arise (it’s often unavoidable), but staying focused on your ultimate goal will help create the best possible environment for your child.

Remember, your kids are always watching. It’s up to you to lead by example, teaching them valuable skills and resilience that they will carry into adulthood and eventually pass down to their own children.

You’ve got this. All it takes is a little grit, a little grace, and a whole lot of love.