Over My Dad Body

Temper tantrums can make even the most confident parent feel like they are doing something wrong. But the truth is, meltdowns are a totally normal part of toddlerhood. In fact, tantrums are one of the ways little kids express big feelings they don’t know how to manage yet.

Tantrums are horribly challenging bursts, but they are a part of childhood.

The key during a tantrum is to try and understand what’s really going on underneath all that yelling and crying—and to stay as calm as you can (easier said than done, I know).

Keep reading for tips on why toddlers throw tantrums in the first place and what you can do to help them through it.

What Causes Tantrums (and How to Spot the Triggers)

Toddler tantrums usually come down to one simple thing: not getting what they want.

For children between 1 and 2, it’s often about trying to communicate a need—more milk, a diaper change, that toy across the room—but not yet having the words to say it. Frustration kicks in fast when we don’t understand what our kids are trying to tell us.

As children get older, tantrums tend to shift.

For 3- or 4-year-olds, it’s less about communication and more about independence. They know what they want and are starting to realize they can make their own choices—but they don’t always get to, which can spark a power struggle.

Even once your child hits preschool age and can tell you what they need, the meltdowns don’t just magically disappear. They are still figuring out how to handle big emotions, and even small things—like not being able to tie their shoes or needing help when they’d rather do it themselves—can quickly lead to a blow-up.

Remember that tantrums aren’t a sign that you are doing anything wrong as a parent. In fact, they are a normal, healthy part of child development.

Tantrums actually help children learn how to process and manage difficult feelings. Sometimes, their growing independence is just too much to handle all at once, and they get overwhelmed. That’s when they need you the most—to be the calm in their storm and to help them through it.

Preventing Tantrums: What Actually Helps?

While there’s no guaranteed way to stop tantrums completely, there’s a lot you can do to help guide even the littlest child toward better behavior.

Avoid situations that are likely to spark a tantrum. Try not to give your child toys way beyond their age level—it can just lead to frustration. If they tend to ask for toys or treats while you’re shopping, it’s a good idea to avoid those aisles altogether. And if your toddler struggles to stay calm in restaurants, stick to places with fast service to make things a little easier on everyone.

Think ahead. Run errands when your child is well-rested and fed—it’s a lot easier when they are not running on empty. And if you know you’ll be waiting in line, bring along a small toy or snack to help keep them entertained.

Say ‘no’ less often. Don’t just say ‘no’ to everything—it can be frustrating for both of you. Instead, give your toddler a sense of control by offering simple choices. For instance: ‘Do you want to wear your sneakers or flats?’ ‘Would you rather have strawberries or bananas?’ ‘Do you feel like reading a book or going to the park?’

Focus on what they are doing right. Give your child a little extra love and attention when they are doing the right thing. A quick hug or telling them you’re proud when they share or listen can really go a long way.

Consistency is key. A daily routine helps your child know what’s coming next, making things feel more predictable and calm. Try to stick to it as much as you can—especially when it comes to nap time and bedtime. Kids can get cranky fast when overtired or haven’t had enough quiet time.

Lead by example. Stay aware of how you respond when things get stressful. It’s not always easy, but keeping your cool (like avoiding yelling or reacting in anger) can really set a positive example for your child. Experts from the American Academy of Pediatrics say that when parents respond to their toddler’s outbursts calmly and consistently, it helps the child learn the limits. That kind of steady response can actually make children feel safer and more in control.

How Parents (Accidentally) Make Tantrums Worse

When children start having tantrums, it is totally normal for parents to want to shut them down—fast. Whether it’s to avoid a public scene or just ease the frustration at home, it’s tempting to use discipline strategies that seem like they should work. But sometimes, those reactions actually end up making tantrums more frequent or more intense.

If your child is in a phase where tantrums are happening often, here are five common parenting missteps that might be making things worse—and what you can try instead.

Too much attention might be the problem. Sometimes, children learn that throwing a tantrum gets them lots of attention—even if it’s not the kind they were hoping for. When that happens, they might start acting out just to get a reaction. During these moments, staying calm and not engaging can actually help. Try looking away, acting like you don’t hear the outburst, or even walking out of the room if it’s safe to do so. The key is to avoid giving the tantrum any attention at all.

Using treats to stop meltdowns. Out of desperation, it’s easy for parents to fall into the bribery trap. When your child is melting down in the middle of the grocery, and all eyes are on you, offering a treat or toy just to make it stop can feel like the only option. But here’s the catch—if kids learn that tantrums lead to rewards, they’ll be more likely to repeat the behavior next time.

Saying ‘yes’ to end the tantrum. Often, parents give in just to make the screaming stop—and honestly, who can blame them? But the tricky part is that every time you give in, it sends a message that tantrums work. And once kids figure that out, they are more likely to use them again to get their way.

Too much reassurance isn’t always helpful. If your child is truly sad or hurt, of course, they need your comfort. But if they are throwing a tantrum because they don’t want to go to bed, offering too much consolation in that moment can actually send the wrong message. It teaches them that outbursts are a way to get attention or delay what they don’t want to do.

How to Deal With Temper Tantrums

If your little one is throwing a tantrum—yelling, kicking, and screaming—and you’re starting to lose your patience, it’s easy to feel unsure about how to handle it. The truth is, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution for toddler tantrums, but most experts agree on what doesn’t work.

Need some ideas for managing your child’s next meltdown? Here are a few tricks to try in the heat of the moment.

Don’t let the tantrum get to you.

Often, children snap out of a tantrum just as quickly as they get into it, which can feel pretty sudden. Once it’s over, approach your child, give them a hug, kiss them, and tell them you love them. Then, just move on. Dwelling on the meltdown makes them feel worse and might trigger another one.

Also, it’s important not to feel guilty or like you’re losing control when your child has a breakdown. Even though it stings when your toddler shouts, “I hate you,” remember—it’s not really about you. It’s their way of expressing frustration and big feelings they don’t know how to manage.

Tantrums are temporary; before long, this will be a distant memory for you and your toddler. Don’t hold onto it, either.

Speak kindly and calmly.

Keep in mind that your child takes their cues from you when it comes to managing big emotions like anger. If you raise your voice, chances are they will do the same—not to be difficult, but because they are trying to connect with you in the only way they know how at that moment.

Instead of getting caught up in the chaos, focus on what’s really happening: your child is feeling overwhelmed, sad, or frustrated.

And if you end up yelling (because hey, we all do sometimes), it’s okay to pause and ask for a reset. Something like, “I’m sorry I yelled. That’s not how I want to talk to you. Can we try again?” will go a long way. You are showing them what it looks like to own your mistakes and make things right—and that’s a powerful lesson. After all, no one gets it right all the time.

Teach your child that it’s okay to feel angry.

Sometimes, children just need to let their anger out—and that’s okay. Give them the space to do that safely. Ensure that nothing around them can hurt them or anyone else, and then let the emotions run their course.

It’s important to remember that attention (even the negative kind) can actually reinforce their behavior. Saying things like, “Stop crying, or I’ll give you something to cry about,” or “You’re acting like a baby,” might seem like it would shut things down. However, it usually does the opposite.

Even trying to reason with your child in the middle of a full-blown tantrum can sometimes keep it going. Promising things like, “We’ll go to the park tomorrow,” or trying to fix it with alternatives, “I’m sorry you’re upset you can’t have a cookie. Do you want an apple instead?” might not land well in that heated moment.

Instead, stay nearby. Be calm and present, showing them that they are not alone. Do not just ignore them—but give them a safe space to feel what they need to feel, with you as their steady, reassuring anchor.

Step in right away when things get physical.

Does your child get physical during a meltdown—like hitting, kicking, biting, or throwing things? Step in immediately and gently remove them from the situation to keep everyone safe.

Let them know their feelings are valid, but the way they’re expressing them is not okay. You might say, “It’s okay to feel angry at me, but it’s not okay to hit,” or “I know you’re upset your block tower fell, and that makes sense. But it’s not okay to throw your blocks.”

Stay calm and steady, even if you are feeling frustrated too. Being firm without being harsh helps your child feel safe, even in tough moments. And how you handle these situations—staying nonviolent and working through conflict calmly—teaches them more than any lecture ever could.

Create space for your child to calm down.

If your child throws a tantrum in public, try to stay calm and gently carry them to a quieter, safer spot—like your car or a nearby restroom—where they can cool down without an audience. Once you’re there, take a moment to calmly explain what’s going on. Sometimes, a gentle touch or simply being close can help soothe them more than words.

Teaching your child healthy ways to handle tough emotions is also important. When they express their feelings respectfully or appropriately, make sure to acknowledge them and give positive feedback. That reinforcement helps them learn what to do next time.

Offer a comforting hug.

It might seem like the last thing you want to do when your kid is having a meltdown, but giving them a strong, firm hug can actually help them calm down. It’s not about giving them a cuddly, snuggly hug—just a solid, reassuring one.

And try not to say anything while you do it; talking at that moment can turn into a battle of wills. A hug helps your child feel safe and reminds them that even though you might disagree with their behavior, you still care about them.

Find the humor in it.

Public tantrums can be tough, and giving in just to avoid the embarrassment is tempting. But doing so only teaches your child that the behavior works. If you get upset, stressed, or just give in to make the meltdown end faster, they’ll quickly learn that throwing a tantrum gets them what they want.

The best approach is to take a deep breath, put on your best “I’ve got this” smile, and pretend everything is under control.

People tend to judge how you react to the situation, not the meltdown itself. So, if you stay calm and act like you’ve got it together (even if you are not actively stopping the tantrum), they’ll think, “Wow, that’s a parent who knows what they’re doing.”

Pick Your Battles

Dealing with your child’s tantrums can definitely be tough, but it’s helpful to remember that they are challenging for our children, too. Most of the time, our kids are just trying to process their emotions and don’t know how else to express that they’re upset.

Instead of seeing tantrums as just bad behavior, try to think of them as opportunities for your child to learn and moments when they need a little extra support. You got this!